yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
