She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
