I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
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