I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
