I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
