Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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