If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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