did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
