you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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