the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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