Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
either way he was missing a nipple.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
