I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
