My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
