yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
