Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
