last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
