she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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