there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
