we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
