Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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