why didn't you poke me back
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
