Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
