i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
