I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
