i think my tv is drunk
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
