So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
