YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
