There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
