i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
