she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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