So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
