can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
