she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So vagazzling was a success
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
