if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
