My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
