I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
