Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
