i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
