I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
