im drinking this country out of the recession.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
