He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
