This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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