I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
