Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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