It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
