My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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