I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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