I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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