She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
