I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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