I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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